


autumn leaves falling down like pieces into place

by brookethenerd



Category: Eyewitness (US TV)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Break Up, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-23
Updated: 2017-01-23
Packaged: 2018-09-19 09:12:14
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,991
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9432125
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/brookethenerd/pseuds/brookethenerd
Summary: a philkas break up fic





	

Philip stands on the edge of the grass, the water lapping against the toe of his boots. Though he has a jacket on, the cold is still biting at his skin. He crosses his arms, hoping to conserve some body heat, and closes his eyes. He thinks back to the day Lukas was shot; the sound his body made as he hit the water, the panic when Philip realized he would have to go in after him, the paleness of Lukas’ skin as he cradled his head in his hands.

It’s the first time he’s been out here since it all happened; since his mom died. Less than a week, but it feels like an eternity.

“How are you not frozen solid?” Lukas asks, jogging up to Philip, placing a hand on Philip’s arm to turn him. He has a wide grin on his face, and he takes Philip’s face in his hands, about to lean in for a kiss.

Philip pulls back, lips pressed together, and Lukas’ face falters. He steps back, brows pulling together.

“What’s wrong? What happened?” He asks, looking around, as if expecting Kane to step out from behind the trees.

That’s something Philip watches out for wherever he goes, though he knows Kane is long dead. He has to tell himself that when the nightmares wake him up. That they’re safe, Lukas is safe, he’s safe.

But now that it’s over, the consequences that were shoved onto the back burner are coming back.

“I don’t know if I can do this anymore.” He says. Lukas’ brows knit together.

“Do what?”

“This. Me and you.” Philip says, avoiding Lukas’ gaze.

“What are you talking about?”

Philip takes a breath, and lifts his eyes to Lukas’.

“This isn’t some fairytale. It never was.”

“I know that.”

“Everything that happened-I just think-“

“Are you breaking up with me?” Lukas asks.

“Are we even dating, Lukas?”

Lukas feigns offense, licking his lips.

“What? Of course?”

“Really? We’re hiding, Lukas. We aren’t dating.”

Lukas sucks in a breath; Philip can see that he’s starting to get angry.

Good. Lukas being angry makes it easier.

“I’m-I’m trying, Philip. And soon-“

“I don’t want to be someone’s dirty little secret.” Philip says.

Lukas’ face scrunches up, but quickly settles out.

“It’s been a long week, I get it. Your mom and-“

“It isn’t that.” Philip says.

Lukas looks away, looking like he wants to say something, but stays quiet.

He looks like he wants to scream and punch something. But he doesn’t. He just sets his jaw and avoids looking at Philip.

“Maybe this whole thing wasn’t supposed to last.” Philip says.

Philip is waiting for Lukas to protest, to tell him he’s wrong. It wouldn’t change anything, but it might make this ache in his chest go away. Lukas is standing in front of him, and he already misses him. What he isn’t sure of is if Lukas is going to miss him back.

“What do you mean?”

“Us. The first time you kissed me there was a triple homicide. This whole thing-it’s all been based on that night. Bella dying, my mom dying, all of it. How do we-how do we get away from that?” Philip asks.

“I don’t know. But we’re gonna figure it out.” Lukas says, voice wavering on the edge of pleading.

“I don’t even know if we can.”

Silence. Thick, thick silence. So thick Philip is choking on it.

“So this is it?” Lukas asks.

Philip looks away, trying to tame the urge to throw himself into Lukas’ arms and take it all back.

“This is it.”

“You’re the one walking away here. Not me.” Lukas says, voice hard.

“I know.” Philip says.

“After everything, you’re giving up.”

“I guess.”

“It’s bullshit.” Lukas snaps. He takes a step forward, as if to touch Philip, but Philip shifts back. Anger and sadness flicker across Lukas’ face, and his hands curl into fists at his side.

It’s for the best; walking away. Their paths have always been different. Now that they’re not tangled up in each other, Lukas can go on to do the things he was always meant to do. Have a nice life, an easy life.

Life will never be easy for Lukas if Philip is in it. He has too much baggage dragging behind him. And Lukas has some, too. They can’t carry it for each other. He doesn’t think that’s possible.

There are so many things Philip wants to tell him, things he doesn’t have the words for.

He wants to tell him that he’s sorry it has to be this way. He wants to tell him that he hopes he has the best life. He wants to tell him that he’ll always be rooting for him, and that he wants him to be happy. He wants to tell him that he doesn’t regret it; he doesn’t regret one bit of it. He wants to tell him that he loves him, that he’s the best friend Philip has ever had, that he’ll never thank him enough for giving him the first love everyone should get to have.

But there isn’t enough time, and Philip isn’t brave enough. So, instead, he settles for, “Goodbye, Lukas.”

Lukas doesn’t say the same thing back. He does it in a curse and an averted gaze. The goodbye is still obvious as it spills from his tongue.

In that way, Lukas says goodbye, too.

* * *

 

Philip didn’t realize how much he would miss him. It’s a literal ache in his chest.

He doesn’t tell Helen and Gabe what happened for a few days. But they start to notice that Philip isn’t getting picked up by Lukas in the mornings for school. When he gets home, alone, he does his homework and eats dinner and hangs out with them. There is no sneaking out to the barn or the lake to meet up with Lukas.

And when they ask him, he tells them. The pain is so big he can’t help but spill out.

“Did something happen?” Gabe asks. Philip looks down at his plate, and shakes his head.

“You can talk to us. I’m turning off my cop brain and turning on the parent one.” Helen says.

Philip pauses, swallowing the frog in his throat.

“I got scared. Because people around me get hurt. And I-I don’t want Lukas to get hurt.”

“It isn’t your fault, Philip. You know that.” Helen says softly.

“Do I? Do I really?” Philip asks, looking over at her. She tilts her head, lips turned down.

“What happened to those kids was not your fault. Your mom was not your fault. That was Kane. Not you.”

“You aren’t some grenade, Philip. You’re a person. You care about him. And Lukas cares about you.” Gabe says.

“What if it isn’t enough?” Philip asks.

“You have to want it to be.” Helen says. Philip sees Helen slide her hand across the table, taking Gabe’s.

Philip drops his gaze again, grabbing his fork, stabbing it into the meat on his plate.

“It’s really good.” He says. It’s obvious enough to both Gabe and Helen that the conversation is over.

Philip doesn’t know what he’s supposed to do. Because caring about Lukas the way he does is dangerous. That much has already been proven.

He doesn’t know if how they feel is enough to balance out all the bad. He doesn’t know if he wants it to.

* * *

 

The nightmare wakes him in the middle of the night. His shirt is slick with sweat, his legs tangled in the sheets. He shoves the covers back, and swings his feet over the edge of the bed, toes brushing the hardwood. He tugs the damp shirt over his head, letting it fall to the floor. He drops his head, hands coming to tug at his air, eyes squeezed shut.

He doesn’t realize he’s reached for the phone until it’s in his hand. With a sigh, he sits up, and unlocks it.

He goes to the text thread _Lukas._ It’s a string of nonsense; random pictures they took of the other, or together, and lots of dumb posts from Lukas, to which Philip always smiles.

Looking at it makes his chest ache, like there’s a hole in it.

He looks around the room, at the dark edges and shadows, and the nightmare comes back, pulsing behind his eyes. Lights and gun shots and his mother, dead on the hardwood.

Before he can stop himself he presses the call button. It rings for so long Philip is sure Lukas is fast asleep, not to be woken.

Then the ringing stops, and silence fills the phone. And after, a hesitant, “Philip?”

Philip lets out a breath, and closes his eyes.

“I need-will-could you-could you come over?” He stammers, voice nearly at a whisper.

There’s another pause, before Lukas says, “Be there in 10.”

Philip knows it’s a bad idea the minute he’s hung up.

But he misses Lukas, and he’s scared, and he can’t stop thinking about what Helen and Gabe said. Maybe he isn’t the broken stereo he’s always believed himself to be. Maybe the music he pumps out isn’t scratched.

He doesn’t know if he believes that, but he wants to, he wants to. And he’s tired of almost sending Lukas a text message that says he’s sorry, that he takes it back.

He’s expecting to have to go down and let Lukas in, but after only 11 minutes, the door is opening. Philip fears it’s Gabe or Helen-fears he’ll have to backpedal and make Lukas turn around-but instead, a blonde head pops through.

Lukas.

He comes in, and shuts the door behind him softly. He turns to face Philip, eyes flicking around; the bed, the shirt on the floor, the panicked look Philip knows rests on his features.

Lukas softens, and comes over to the bed. After only a moment of hesitation, he climbs on, stretching out on his back beside Philip. He doesn’t touch him, but he’s close enough that if he just shifted his hand, he could.

Philip reaches over to his dresser and grabs a random shirt, pulling it over his head. Then he lays down beside Lukas, eyes on the ceiling.

Philip has always had to be the strong one. For his mom, growing up. For Lukas, this past few months.

He’s tired. He’s tired of holding it in and bottling it up and watching as it slips out in little pieces.

“Sometimes I look at you, and I see _him_. And my mom. And Tommy and Tracy. It’s like I’m looking at the end of the world.” Philip says. Lukas rolls to face him, and Philip does the same.

“What do you see now?” He asks.

Philip pauses, taking him in. The clear eyes, the curve of his nose, the way his hair falls.

“I see you.”

“Just me?”

“Just you.”

“Is that why you-“

“No.”

“Then why?” Lukas says.

“Because I-“ Philip stops, closing his eyes for a moment. “Because I’m scared.”

“Of what?”

“Of fucking you up even more.”

“We watched three people die in a cabin together. We’re already fucked up.” Lukas says.

“But-“

“You can’t pretend like everything’s gone to shit because of you. It was a joint effort, man.” Lukas says, the ghost of a smile on his lips. Philip wants to smile back, but instead, he shakes his head.

“But I-“

“Shit got bad for a while. But it got really good. You and me. That’s really good. _Was_ really good.”

When Philip doesn’t respond, Lukas slides his hand over, poking a finger into Philip’s side.

“We’re still in this together.” He says.

Philip pauses, then nods.

“I know.”

Lukas purses his lips. “Can I kiss you now?” He asks.

This time, Philip can’t help but laugh.

Instead of saying yes, he reaches out, and tugs Lukas towards him. And when he kisses him, he isn’t afraid. Not even a little bit.

 


End file.
